My experience with grief has lingered since 2023 after the loss of my kidney transplant, which means letting go of my former lifestyle and physical body. Also, the recent loss of my corporate job, which means no more financial stability and professional status. I have been feeling sad on and off, but also because no one has taught me how to properly grieve.
Dual process model of grief
Loss-oriented: dealing with emotions directly, crying, yearning, reminiscing, leaning into internal bereavement.
Restoration-oriented: meeting the demands of a changed world, adjusting to a new routine, returning to work, leaning into functional distractions from the overwhelming weight of emotions.
People assume grief is a linear, short process of getting over negative emotions, but it is grounded in real world changes as well. It is normal for a grieving person to oscillate between the above two processes over a long period of time or even a lifetime.
The Grief Compass
This framework helps to create structure to your emotions and understand your situation.
North: What was lost
East: What are you feeling
South: What has changed
West: What you're moving forward / not ready to face
S.A.F.E. Method
This framework is a mindful tool to navigate grief, trauma, distress etc.
S: Soften. Slow breaths, relaxed posture.
A: Allow. Give emotions full permission to exist, be present instead of fixing or escaping.
F: Face. Process what happened at your comfortable pace. Revisit memories or pain.
E: Explore. Bring curious or non-judgmental awareness to your present experience. Ground yourself, feel your feet, name things in your environment.
Companionship MUST come first before counselling or correction! Just like Job's friends sat with him for 7 days 7 nights and said nothing to let him grieve. Also, healing doesn't mean we forget the pain immediately. We just manage it better.
HT shared the story of her 14-year old daughter's suicide 4 years ago. Although her daughter seemed cheerful in everyday life, she was suddenly found motionless in her bedroom one day. By the time she was rushed to the hospital, it was too late, and she kept blaming herself for not doing enough. Initially the family couldn't come to terms with the sudden shock, it took them 4 years to process and grieve.
I teared at her story because I felt like I knew what the underlying problem was, but shit just happens you know? I think I've learnt to show more love and kindness, because you never know what someone is going through no matter how much "happiness" they perform socially. Love more, judge less.
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