I found my soul again

Today's meeting with my spiritual sisters from China felt ordained by God. 

Just last night, I prayed earnestly to God to help me find myself again. I didn't know who I was anymore because I have been constantly shaping myself into different personas for survival. Depending on the situation, I turn into a sociable butterfly, a logical problem-solver, a feminine shy girl, a resilient fighter, a truth-seeking conservative, a liberal creative, a patient confidant, an adventure seeker and more. Yet beneath all these ever-changing roles, I had never understood what my core was. 

This morning, I asked Mingming to have lunch together. She already made plans for lunch with the two China missionaries whom we met 2 years ago at her house, and invited me to join them, so I did.

One of the missionary is Jochebed. She is a mother of one and has a great testimony, including being healed completely from barrenness as well as 7 organ removal surgeries. Though she is 51 years old, she looks so young and healthy like in her 40s!!! The other missionary is currently memorising bible verses in 7 different languages, insane!!! Both of them have dedicated their lives to serving God and administering to fellow Christians in different nations for years, and they happen to be here today in Singapore.

I really think God is using them as a mouthpiece to speak into the lives of fellow believers who need it, because they can see right through a person and speak words that pierce deep. They were very humble and patient in listening, yet firm in God's word when speaking. 

She shared 4 insights with me that deeply stirred my heart: 

1) "God will give you the same lessons until you learn"
She said that the reason God may allow people like me to repeatedly fall sick is because I haven't learned the lesson that God wants to teach me. In my case, she viewed my many hospitalisations as invitations to draw near to God to again in my brokenness, and a lesson to carry a posture of dependence into my everyday life after discharge. Suffering is a reminder to rely not on our own strength, but on His power.

2) "Call upon your spiritual family"
John likely shared my backstory with the missionaries prior to lunch. Jochebed reassured me that I'll always have a spiritual family supporting me through tough times. She encouraged me not to carry all the burdens by myself, but perhaps look to John for guidance since he is a spiritual leader. Since we're a family, it is important I don't continue my individualistic ways or remain a spiritual baby, but to mature and also look out to the interests of others too. We're a team! 

She also suggested that my family upbringing may have shaped me into someone who is highly self-reliant and accustomed to bearing struggles quietly. I agreed and shared that growing up, my parents pushed us to be independent since young. We rarely share our problems and emotions at home. 

3) "Find a partner and get married."
She believed  that is God's will for all woman to settle down and marry. She was surprised that I had no boyfriend or husband, or the fact that I have never even thought about marriage. She encouraged me to pray to God to ask for a man who fits my criteria, because He will surely bless me with one. Somehow, she also intuitively knew the underlying reasons why I haven't been searching for a partner, and reassured me that a partner who is focused on God's will not even care about how I look or how many health problems I have. Spiritual alignment triumphs physicality.

4) "Allow God to use you."
She asked if I would be willing to fully surrender my life to God and allow Him to use what I have suffered to minister to other believers, in a way similar to what she is doing herself. Even people in our cell group need someone to share a testimony to lift their spirits time-to-time, and she felt I was in the position to do so seeing how much hardship I had overcome. God uses our personal hardship to help others who are facing similar struggles, as a reminder that they are not alone. 

Not gonna lie. I haven't felt so cared for and seen in a friendship in a long time. Her words really healed my heart and brought back my soul. Maybe I hadn't realised all I wanted was someone to look me in the eyes and genuinely care about my life. I have always looked into other's souls while mine is neglected.

I don't know why the moment I got home, I began crying. But it was a good cry, the kind that signified the end of a painful season in my life. Or it could also be because my narcissistic mum nitpicked on the external stuff again the moment I got home, asking me if anyone complimented my dress then laughing when I said no one did. This has been a long-time problem at home, that she has never once asked about my emotional state and inner world. Physical materialism is the end-all-be-all for her, people are just tools to advance her own gains. But hey, even Jochebed said that we shouldn't hold ourselves responsible for other people's broken relationships with God, we just need to make sure we are close to God ourselves. 

At least I've got spiritual sisters to care for me on a deep level. I thank God for them, and I pray that God blesses them with strength and ample resources. Love heals.